Is it Time to Stop Caring so Much?

One of the most wonderful aspects of this business is to see how much families care for their loved ones.

Sometimes it may be too much.

There are signs. There are people who don’t want others to care for them. Or they have given up. Especially at the end.

They may resent you for trying to push them too hard.

I do it sometimes. I passionately talk to my families about the therapies we do. About the latest research into chronic disease that seems so promising.

Some of the families’ responses? Crickets.

They want their parent to eat whatever they want.

“My Mom loves to just watch TV.”

“Just let her enjoy her final time on this earth”.

I get it. I want to help people who want the help. There are plenty of other assisted living homes and facilities that will cater to their wishes.

Caregivers should heed the same warnings. If your loved one doesn’t want your help, you should probably back off a little. Lots of people keep pushing when their parent or family member keeps telling them they’re not interested in help.

There are some other signs that the amount of help you are providing may be too much.

Does it seems like you care more about the person than they do themselves? If people see you are willing to volunteer your time for free, they may be take advantage of it. Likewise when you care for someone, they may stop trying to improve because they think you will do everything.

Maybe back off and see what happens? They may try harder.

If they do try to take advantage of you, you might start feeling angry or resentful. Caregiving should give you fulfillment. Feeling mad at the person you’re trying to help may be a great sign to back off.

Lots of people will make agreements with their family member that needs care. Say you promise to buy them a ton of nutritious food if they will eat it. They agree. Then you come over a couple weeks later and the food is just rotting in their fridge.

It’s a sign they’re not interested.

You also need to take care of yourself. If caring for another is depleting your health, finances or other resources, it’s time to back off. No matter how much the person needs you. You need to find an alternative or workaround. The world doesn’t need two people to suffer when one can be saved.

I understand that is a very difficult decision. It doesn’t have to be a total withdrawal. It can be a time to start looking for other help. Possibly for both of you.

Some other signs include:

• You feel like you are being manipulated to help someone

• You’re making excuses for the person, or feeling like you have to lie or obfuscate

It’s important to set boundaries about what you will and won’t do for the care you give.

And while you’re at it, you may want to set boundaries on your own actions. Offering unsolicited advice to people may not go over well. Teach yourself to listen first to see what care they want. Pushing them because you think you know better may backfire.

Caregivers are angels on earth. Sometimes angels need to back off though.